Message 11-05-06

 

Series:            Hardwired to Connect

Scripture:            Ephesians 5:21-33

 

Title:                                        A Politically Incorrect Position

 

I believe marriage is a good thing. I believe marriage is the right thing. That attitude can put me out of touch with our society, sometimes even the society in the church. I was just reading how more couples are living together without marriage in our country than married couples. We just slipped over the 50% mark. But when I suggest celebrating marriage – even in church – there are times when I’m challenged. I’m not supposed to talk about how great marriage is because it’s a tough thing for most people. More couples are living together without being married than are married and of those who stay married there’s only a little more of them than couples who are getting divorced. I’m not supposed to talk about marriage because I might hurt someone’s feelings. I’m not supposed to celebrate marriage because there are people in front of me whose marriages went bad.

But if I don’t celebrate marriage as a good thing in the church where am I supposed to celebrate marriage? But I believe marriage is a good thing and I believe it is the right thing. I don’t believe it is the only thing. But I celebrate marriage in public and particularly in the church.

Not because I’m calloused. Next Sunday I’ll speak on divorce and how God loves divorced people. But I’ll speak on marriage because this is the body of Jesus, this is the church, and we’re supposed to lift up the truth and importance of relationship. The highest level of relationship Jesus presented to us is friendship. I believe the second highest level of relationship he tells us about is service. And I would argue one place where both friendship and service can meet in as intimate a fashion as possible is in marriage. And it’s been hard for me to get to the place where I get that.

            The changes in just my temperament I had to make and pray toward changing because of marriage have been huge. The times when I was so angry, frustrated and fed-up with my wife and with being married were piled on when I was younger. They were hard and they whipped me into where I stand now.

            The evening I remember clearest when all this was hard fought was an evening when I left the house, intending to leave forever.

            I walked out the backdoor on my wife and kids and into this chilly evening intending to just keep going. One of the first things I learned that night is when you’re angry you can act in haste. When you act in haste you can forget things like a jacket or car keys.

            Another thing I learned is that when you get angry and frustrated and act in haste you can get stupid too. Instead of going back into the house to get a jacket or car keys you can be stupid enough to decide that you can leave on foot in the cold.

            I learned something about God that night. Do you know what God does in that situation with Christ followers? He tries to talk with you. All sorts of words poured into me that night as I walked off into the dark, but I wasn’t having any of it. God could do what he wanted.  I was done and I was making plans. I was reviewing all the good reasons I had for giving up on my marriage. You know what God does when you won’t pay attention to him. He waits. He’s the God of eternity. He’s got the time. He lets you go and in my case he let me get a good half-hour to forty minutes out and then, just as my anger wasn’t warming me against the cold, just as it’s starting to seep into me, but I still didn’t want to pay attention to God… right then he starts the rain. Not a heavy rain, not a down pour, just an increasingly intense drizzle. Just to let it soak in thoroughly.

            And when I’m finally miserable and ready to talk to God, ready to tell him all my reasons for why he should pay attention to me I say, “Hey God.” And God slips up alongside me and says, “Yeah, Stupid? So how’s this working for you?”

            And so I stopped and thought about that. It took me a little bit but I admitted I was stupid and when I was ready to turn around then you know what he tells me? He tells me that’s great, but he’s not sending a car for me. I’m just going to walk back the whole hour I walked away in the drizzle and the cold and the dark and I’m going to pay attention to him the whole way back because he knows he only has my attention now and now I’m going to learn how to change. And that’s where I really began to listen to God about being a husband.

            So, when I’m challenged by people suggesting that I hold up a high standard that’s sort of out of touch or that I’m politically incorrect, I just agree. Because I’m not here to live out whatever standard they hold up. I’m following the one who created faithfulness. He doesn’t get worried by my stupidity or my anger or my frustration as long as I’m ready to come back and listen. It’s not about whether we mess up. It’s about when will we start to listen.

            The standards of God are not about rules or hoops to jump through. They are about how things really work. God is the one who created relationship and that night was one of the most glaring places in my life where I learned that relationships are not all about me. Relationships are about giving up my “rights” and learning all there is to know about Beckie and my friends and other people in the world.

            And that’s why when I read “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ” I get it. I submit to Jesus’ participation and place of importance in my life. I submit to Jesus as having a say in how my day goes.

            Maybe you’ve thought of submission as slavery. I think that’s where a lot of people go, but I don’t believe that’s what the Bible is speaking of here. The Bible tells me, as I shared last week, that Jesus lifted his followers from the role of slaves and servants and made them friends. And then he told them to follow his example – to love each other. When I submit to my friend, I do not turn myself back into a slave. I lift them up into significance. You see Jesus doesn’t call us to make sure that we live lives of significance. He calls us to love others into significance. Jesus calls us to love others into significance.

            So, when I read “Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord” I think, “Yup. That’s what wives are supposed to do.” I don’t back off that at all. Wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. So, let’s look at that for a moment.

            We can’t get any more politically incorrect than this statement today. Wives submit to your husbands. It’s interesting that the direction to submit connects in the grammar of the Greek original back to the sentence where Paul tells the Ephesians to be filled with the Spirit. He says to not get filled with spirits of alcohol, but to be filled with the Spirit of God. And then he gives an assortment of ways for that to be displayed in your life. Display the filling of the Spirit through your speaking, in your singing, making music, giving thanks and also in submitting.

            Now in politically correct conversations I’m asked what this is saying about the relationship between women and men. It’s not saying anything about the relationship between women and men. It doesn’t say women should submit to men. This is about the intimate friendship of spouses.  And the next question I’m usually asked is what does this say about abusive relationships? It doesn’t say anything about abusive relationships. It is all about an intimate friendship of spouses.

            And when there is abuse – physical or mental or emotional – I have to ask, is that a friendship? Is that a relationship? Does that have anything to do with Jesus? And the answer is no. Abuse is unfaithfulness

            Submission in following Jesus does not suggest that men get some power position over women. Any man who claims dominance over a woman through this passage is not reading it. They are just looking for a Stepford wife. I’ve heard the term “Spiritual head of the household” and really I don’t buy that either. spiritual “head of the household, but I don’t really believe that. It sounds like a man should make all the decisions and be a Biblical scholar as well. I don’t really believe that the Bible teaches that or even teaches “roles” for husbands and wives. It teaches relationship. It says here that as Jesus is the head of the church husbands should be the head of wives. But the word that’s used is head like “headwaters” of a river, like the source. A husband should be seen as a source of life and should be treated with worth, to be protected and cared for as important, as significant to the well-being of the wife.

            Now that’s what women are told and if you notice men are told about twice as much. Why is that? Is it that because God looks at men as dense? Is it that because God seems to think that women will get it pretty straightforwardly and men need it spelled out? Did I have to walk in the drizzling freezing cold for an hour so that I’d finally learn? The answer to all these questions is “yes.”

            Men are supposed to be the best servants of the household. They are supposed to carry the heavy end and to bring full life and health to the wife. They are supposed to be the “source” for their wives. That means live a life that helps the wife reach her full potential. Even more deeply, they are supposed to live a life that helps their wives become spiritually sound.

            I believe that marriage is and always has been a partnership in God’s eyes. Jesus quoted Genesis in saying that the reason for a man to marry is to remove himself from his parents and to become one person with his wife. I believe our passage today points that out clearly. To the husband the wife is to become like his own body. And that tells me that the man should lead a life that enables his whole self to come into the presence of God in a healthy way. Every Christ follower should do that with just themselves. We are supposed to be growing and changing and moving into wholeness, so we can enter the presence of God in a healthy, joyful way. When a man marries he is responsible to do that with his wife as well, to assist her in coming into spiritual health – pray for her, challenge her, share with her what you’ve learned and changed, help her to learn the depth of God’s forgiveness, enjoyment and power. Teach her to be free from anxiety.

            Is that a tall order? Yes, but it isn’t a law. It’s not about laws. It’s about sharing the grace of God. This is the way it is with Christ and this is the example of Christ and the church… Christ has become the source of life for the church. Husbands are supposed to become a source of life to their wives. It is a relationship of intensely growing intimacy where we reveal ourselves completely. That takes human beings a lifetime to do honestly.

            The closing summation here really does cap the whole thing off but it may also give us some hope that this is possible. It says that husbands should love their lives and wives should respect their husbands. And it doesn’t say vice versa. Now why not? I believe that this is because that’s the harder thing for us to remember to do. It’s not hard for a man to respect his wife. And it’s not hard for a woman to love her husband. And because that’s true, because those are the things we do more naturally, we’re half way there, but we need to remember to do the rest. Husbands we need to love their wives and wives need to respect their husbands.

            Husbands can love their wives by cleansing away their anxieties over competition about anything from beauty to multi-tasking. Wives can respect their husbands by recognizing their integrity and teaching them that their worth doesn’t come from their job. Their worth is not found in what they achieve. What a gift that would be. There are other ways to do both those things, but really it all comes down to one thing. Jesus lifted up friendship as the highest of all relationships. Marriage at its core should be a friendship – conversation and time plus physical intimacy with a depth of intentional serving. This is the place where we can serve another person with the greatest intentionality. We can become vulnerable and free to say and live out the truth.

            Not everyone is called to marriage, but this is one of the ways we can demonstrate the kingdom of God to the world. And if they don’t buy it, that’s okay. We’re not doing it to be good examples. We’re not here to be politically correct. We’re doing it because it’s true.

We do it because we’re following the One who created relationships and who showed us what faithfulness looks like.